Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
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Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.