I might carry a baby with one hand.
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God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.