50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
You Might Also Like
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!