Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
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Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
So the ex texted me
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten