I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
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” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS