9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
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[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”