*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
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Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣