chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
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My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago