[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
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Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*