Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
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Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this