Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
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throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”