I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
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turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Truth
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf