Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
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Harsh but fair
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.