“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
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I love you to the refrigerator and back
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood