Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
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party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?