There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
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Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I put the mess in domestic.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
lol
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house