[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
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my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Encore…
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*