me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
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Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
NASA has no chill
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.