Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
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me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
me working on my assignments ^-^
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you