“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
You Might Also Like
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
secret recipe
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.