Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
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me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.