Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
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Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.