I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
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Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
me doing my best
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
👾👾👾
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Growing up was a huge mistake