Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
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What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
eggs benadryl
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.