I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
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ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Bobby pin
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie