Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
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likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
nothing saves money like being antisocial
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
how it started vs how it ended
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..