If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
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Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.