Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
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Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????