BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
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Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
@funTweeters
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.