Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
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How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK