No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.