On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
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My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me