(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
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date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
my dad has had enough
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
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