I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
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my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.