[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
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My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.