Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
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Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
seems like a niche market
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco