* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
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Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.