bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
You Might Also Like
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas