Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
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“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.