Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
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My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes