I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
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“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.