My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
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Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.