I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
You Might Also Like
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen