I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
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so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue