so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
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50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
this is the greatest thing ever
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.