not to brag, but mine was free
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The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?