Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
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The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”