My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
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I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
what are they serving at kfc then???
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.