At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
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kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
My wife gives the best headache.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though