[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
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Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie